


Let Her Go

by orphan_account



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alcholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death (Past), Depression, Gen, Let Her Go (Passenger), Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 13:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2733836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody has lost somebody. Nico lost Bianca. Thalia lost her mother. Clarisse lost Silena. And Percy lost Annabeth. Songfic to Passenger's 'Let Her Go'. </p><p>Trigger Warnings: self-harm, alcholism, depression, Character Death (past), suicide attempt. </p><p>Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to 'Let Her Go', nor do I own any of the characters/the setting. Which should be clear, because if I did own them, I wouldn't be writing FANfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Her Go

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm new here, so sorry if I did something wrong. Please tell me if I did, and I will correct it. I forgot whether or not I am allowed to use the literal lyrics in an songfic on this site. If I'm not allowed, once again, please tell me, and I'll delete the story. Also, PLEASE tell me if I made any spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm trying to get my Cambridge Proficiency diploma, so I really need the feedback. One last thing, if you haven't done this, please read the tags/trigger warnings. I don't want to trigger anyone.  
> Other than that, enjoy the story!

# Let Her Go

_Well you only need the light when it’s burning low_

Nico was afraid of the dark. Which was stupid, considering he was a son of Hades. Heck, he practically _owned_ the dark. The light burned his eyes and when day he preferred to stay in the shadows. He liked the shadows. He just didn’t like the dark.

Somehow, the darkness of the night seemed different of the darkness of the shadows. People said he was a creature of the night. That wasn’t true; he was a creature of the shadows. Not the night. Not the darkness. Never, ever, the darkness.

Because when the light disappeared, the memories came.

When the memories came, it was night.

At night, he wished the light would come back, just to burn the memories away.

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

Thalia had always hated the sun.

She couldn’t understand why anybody would want to lay on the beach all day, or why they would want to go swimming. She didn’t like water. Not surprising, considering her father was Zeus, god of the Sky, and the rival of Poseidon. But then again, she was also afraid of heights, wasn’t she? (Guess nothing in her life made sense.)

But while she hated the sun, she hated snow more.

It was winter when she saw her mother’s ghost.

So, when the sun finally disappeared and the winter came, she couldn’t help but long for that blasted warmth again.

(Guess nothing in her life made sense)

_Only know you love her when you let her go_

_No!_

That was the word that kept repeating in her head. She was in denial, and she knew it. She simply refused to believe what was lying in front of her eyes. Refused to see the empty eyes, refused to see the slight smile on her lips, refused to see that bloody (dead dead dead and you know it) body in her armor. Refused to see the scythe. 

But while she refused to believe it, Selena, her first real friend in ages, was lying dead in front of her, with a tiny, silver spark in her hand. She didn’t know what was worse.

The corpse or the necklace.

_Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

Percy hated the looks of pity that people were continuously shooting at him these days. What he hated even more, was the fact that he deserved them.

He tried to keep people out of his cabin, but with the weekly cleaning checks, it was very difficult to hide the razors and the bottles. And it was nearly impossible to hide the stench of alcohol and the blood on his sheets. 

He was late for the classes, didn’t shave and barely ate. Actually, his days were filled with three activities: drinking, cutting and fighting. 

The Hero of Olympus hated what he had become. He hated the bitterness and the hatred that dripped from him these days. He hated himself.

He hated how, sometimes, he would look in the mirror and see Luke Castellan.

_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_

In the New Orleans graveyard, a boy sat on a grave. He didn’t even know the women who died, but he knew she had been nice. Her ghost was. 

She would always comfort him when he came there, stepping out of the shadows, breaking down. She never asked why he was there, never asked how he came there, just smiled her smoky smile at him and guided him to her grave, so that he could cry there. She never asked a single thing. 

The Ghost King was thankful for that. He didn’t want to explain that he was crying over... well, over everything. Percy, his feelings, Tartarus...

Bianca. His mother. His father. 

He didn’t want to tell her that it was Zeus he cursed in those tantrums, for killing his mother, and, with that, his only change for a home.

He didn’t want to tell her that he cried because he missed Camp Half-Blood. (Not his home. Never his home. Didn’t belong. Didn’t have a home)

(And it certainly wasn’t Camp Half-Blood)

_Only know you love her when you let her go_

Luke used to ask her if she missed her mother. She replied no.

He also used to ask her if she loved her mother. She replied no.

But, all those years ago, when she saw her mother before she went upstairs to pack her backpack, she felt a pang of sadness for leaving her. 

And, as she jumped out of her window, she couldn’t help but hesitate before walking away. Then she knew.

She knew she loved her mom.

_And you let her go_

She turned around and started to walk.

Years later, after Melinoe, she did the same.

_Staring at the bottom of your glass_ _Hoping one day you will make a dream last_ _But dreams come slow and they go so fast_

It was Prissy who, right after the Battle of Manhattan, found her. He pulled the bottle out of her hand, threw it away, and forced her to come the arena to spar with him. He didn’t say a single word then. At least, until after the sparring. 

‘Is this really what you want to do with your life? Is this your dream?’

It wasn’t. When she was a little girl, she dreamed of other things. She didn’t dream of being a princess, like most girls, but dreamed of being a fearsome warrior, loved by her allies, and the terror of her enemies.

Now, she was. Sort of. Only the ‘loved by her allies’ part wasn’t fulfilled. Suddenly, she did something that surprised herself.

‘Do the others hate me?’ she asked Prissy.

‘No.’ Was his immediate reply.

‘Do they look down at me?’

‘No, they don’t,’ he said. After a pause, he added: ‘Well, if you continue drinking, maybe they will.’

She glared at him. ‘Using my weaknesses, huh?’

‘No,’ he stated. ‘simply telling what I think.’

She never got drunk after that. She never even touched a bottle. At least, until after the Second Giant War.

It felt strange to pull it out of his hands, after he saved her barely a year ago.

_You see her when you close your eyes_  
 _Maybe one day you will understand why_  
 _Everything you touch, all it dies_

‘Bianca!’ Nico screamed happily. ‘Look at these flowers!’

Bianca smiled and came closer to her little brother. He was pointing to a bunch of dandelions. They were very pretty indeed.

‘They’re beautiful Nico, thanks for showing me,’ she said, ruffling through his hair. The little son of Hades jumped up and down. ‘Can we take them with us? Can we, can we Bibi?’  
His sister smiled and remembered a time when she asked her mother the same. She said: ‘No, Nico, if you pick flowers, they’ll die.’ 

Nico looked up, eyes wide with surprise. ‘They will?’

Bianca nodded. Nico looked sad. ‘But I don’t want them to die! Dying is bad.’

‘It isn’t, not necessarily. You’ll go to a better place when you die, as long as you’ve been nice.’

‘Really?’ he asked. ‘So the flowers will go to a better place? They look nice, so they must’ve been nice, right?’

Bianca didn’t have the heart to tell her brother what she really thought. So she simply nodded again.

Nico clapped his hands together and turned around to the dandelions. He grabbed the flowers. They immediately withered.  
Bianca blinked surprised, and then asked her brother: ‘Why did you do that?’

‘I wanted the flowers to be happy!’ he replied, beaming.

His sister sighted and knelt next to her brother. ‘Nico, listen. Killing isn’t good. Not even if you are trying to help them to a nicer place.’

Nico looked at his brother, tears forming in his eyes. ‘But I killed the flowers. I’m bad now? I won’t be happy after I die?’

‘Yes, you killed the flowers,’ Bianca replied. ‘But you’ll still be happy after you die. They’re just flowers, after all.’ She smiled fondly at her brother. ‘But still, don’t go on killing.’

‘I won’t!’ little Nico said. ‘I swear!’

‘Good.’ Bianca stood up and took her brothers hand. ‘Time to go home.’

~

Nico woke up, tears streaming down his face. Quickly, he wiped them. ‘Stupid,’ he muttered to himself. ‘It’s just a stupid dream. Probably not even a memory.’

He stood up and stretched himself against the tree. Next to him, he saw some dandelions.

He strode by, and they withered. 

He laughed. Son of the Underworld indeed.

_But you only need the light when it’s burning low_

Percy never knew he could be so dependent on one person. He sincerely didn’t understand how it came to this. Maybe it was because of his fatal flaw. Maybe it was just him. Or maybe it was totally her fault.

He also didn’t know he was dependent on her until he could no longer be.

Now, he thought as he dug the knife into his tight, the only thing he had were the memories of what was once a bright time. A bright life. A bright girl. 

A very, very bright Wise Girl.

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

It was winter when she and Selena spoke to each other for the first time. She remembered the very sentence that started their friendship. 

‘You know, you could just ask him what he would like for his birthday.’

She really, honestly didn’t know why she had even bothered to react to that. Well, in a civil way. She would’ve understood if she had just kicked her ass, but she didn’t. She responded.

‘Wouldn’t that ruin the surprise?’

And Selena just smiled. 

Later, she saw that same smile on her lips as she died. That night, she wondered witch smile was worse. The smile that ignited the spark or the smile with which it died.

That winter, on Chris’ birthday, in the snow, she knew.

_Only know your love her when you let her go_

The Mythomagic nerd never thought about the fact that Bianca could leave him. He had always taken her for granted. Of course his sister stayed with him. Of course she took care of him. Of course she loved him. He never thought about it as anything special. Until it was too late. 

Until he heard the news.

‘Nico, I am joining the Hunters. I am sorry. I love you.’

I love you too, Bianca, I love you too. 

But he never said that out loud. Probably didn’t even think it.

_Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

Funny, she had never realized that she could actually command the Ares Cabin. 

Stupid, of course, but she never really thought about it before. Not until it was war, their realm, and Clarisse managed to lock the Ares Cabin away from it. Some strange part of her felt proud of it. 

That was, until she saw her armor was missing.

_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_

Nobody ever heard her when she cried at night. Not at home, not on the run, not even after she joined the Hunters. She was the punk. The daughter of Zeus. The runaway. The Lieutenant of Artemis. She was Thalia Grace. She was strong. 

She hadn’t always been. 

She remembered the first night after she ran away. How she sat under a tree (A pine tree. How ironic) and cried her longs out. She cried for what she had lost, and for what she never had. A brother, a mother, and a home. She wanted to turn back, crawl in her mothers’ bed and snuggle with her. But she knew it couldn’t be. 

For one, because she had sworn never to go back. And two, because she knew her mother had passed out on the couch again, with a bottle in her hand. 

But still, Thalia missed the home she never had. The mother she never had.

(Wonder why she didn’t miss the father she never had)

_Only know you love her when you let her go_

He thought he got over it. 

He did not. 

But it was only after he couldn’t find her soul in the Underworld, that he understood that. 

Sometimes, he honestly believed the Fates just loved to fuck with him. 

_Staring at the ceiling in the dark_  
 _Same old empty feeling in your heart_  
 _‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast_

Every time after he woke up after a nightmare, he would lie in his bed, panting, before eventually reaching for either a bottle or a knife.

Every time after he woke up after a good dream, he would just stare at the ceiling. Remembering.

“You drool in your sleep.”

“Percy, exactly what, did I just say?”

“Call me Annie one more time, and I’ll skin you.”

“Grover, stop eating my enchiladas!”

“Perseus Jackson, are you really that dumb or are you doing it just to annoy me?”

“Athena always has a plan.”

“I’m going to kick your ass at Capture the Flag.”

“Clarisse, piss off, please?”

“Errete es korakas, Clarisse! I’m NOT a dumb blonde.”

“Clarisse, one more word, and I swear to the gods –”

“Go to the infirmary to get yourself patched up, would you?”

“I will never, ever, make things easy for you, Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.”

(Hades, if he just would’ve known how true that statement was.)

He had thought it was the moment he fell in love with her. But of course, like always, he was wrong.  
It was the moment he knew he was in love with her. Aphrodite had been sneaking his way into him all these years, and he hadn’t noticed once. Not once. Not even on Mount St. Helens. 

And in one moment, it had been taken away from him.

_Well you see her when you fall asleep_  
 _But never to touch and never to keep_  
 _‘Cause you loved her so much_  
 _That you dived too deep_

He chases after her, following the footsteps made in the sand. He can see her silhouette against the sunset, and hear her laughter rolling over the beach. She is saying something, but he isn’t listening. All he knows is that she is back. It was just a dream. Just a dream. Just a nightmare. 

He yells something after her and runs until he finally catches up with her. He trips her and she falls on her back. He falls over her, trapping her between his hands and knees. Her grey eyes shine like diamonds, and her golden hair catches the last light of Apollo’s chariot – Ferrari, whatever. He leans down to kiss her...

And suddenly the shore is gone, and all there is is water. Dark, salty water, everywhere around him. She is below him, sinking

sinking

sinking 

sinking 

He dives after her, but just as he wants to take her hand, he hears a cruel laughter, and the sea turns red, and the red is in his nose and his mouth and his ears and he can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe and he is drowning

drowning

drowning

drowning

And then he wakes up, panting, wrapped in the sheets, sweating, with that same salty smell around him as there was in that – bloodbloodbloodblood – red sea. 

And he breaths

and breaths

and breaths

and takes a last, deep breath

Before pulling the beer bottle out to drown himself.

_But you only need the light when it’s burning low_

Seeing her, she thought it was her mom. It wasn’t. She didn’t know if she should be grateful for that or not. 

To have that bitch speak to her in her mothers body, to say that she hated her, that she despised her, blamed her... It was almost too much. Afterwards, she was almost ready to jump off a cliff. Thank her father for Percy. 

When they were finally done with that stupid quest, she almost danced when she came back in the world above. Naturally, she didn’t – she was Thalia, after all – but dang, did she want to. She never thought that she could be so happy to see the sun.

And every night after that, she didn’t know how she managed to sleep without a nightlight.

(Well, secretly, she did. She was Thalia, after all. That’s how)

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

When he flew with the sun chariot – excuse me, school bus – he was excited, of course. Hades, how many kids don’t get excited at the change to fly in the freaking sun? Later, though, it became one of his worst memories. That had multiple reasons.

Reason one was, obviously, the fact that Bianca was in there. As a Huntress, and not as a sister, that is. It was the first morning she was a Huntress instead of a Sister. (He liked Sister better. A lot)

Reason two was because of that clear sight he had on Percy’s... never mind.

Reason three was because it was the closest he had ever been to light, and he still had the burn marks from it. 

Reason four was because it was the first time he realized how important Bianca was.

He remembered how he had sit in his seat, clasping on to the seat in front of him, when the thought suddenly popped up in his head. Bianca won’t be there next Christmas.  
It was all he could do to keep from crying.

But next Christmas, she was there. It was far worse.

_Only know your love her when you let her go_

He rather would’ve had Bianca being of somewhere with the Hunters, then having her in Elysium celebrating Christmas. He never knew he could feel so much non-existent pain. Pain of the unreachable. Pain of letting go.

_Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

It was the drop that Thalia hated, not the landing. 

She hated the feeling of plumbing down, of being out of control, knowing what was going to happen, but not being able to stop it. She hated it. Hades in the Styx, how she hated it. 

It was also the reason why she had become the Lieutenant of Artemis. Prophecies worked just the same. 

She hated them almost as much as she hated falling. It was like they were saying: ‘Hey, this is gonna happen, whether you like it or not. Deal with it, loser.’ It made her wanna puke.

Then, she got a change to stop it. To stop herself from falling. She took it. 

Later, she realized what, exactly, she had done. She had fled. Fled and forced that Seaweed Brain in her position. She pushed him of the cliff instead of falling herself.  
She realized she couldn’t have fallen lower. 

_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_

Her siblings were gone. They followed her to the battlefield. In her armor. 

‘Chris!’ she yelled. ‘Chris!’

She heard footsteps coming her way, but she didn’t care. She was already preparing that dreadful chariot. When his curls finally found her, she pulled him into the chariot. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to.

And all the way to Manhattan, she hoped it wasn’t too late.

All the way to Manhattan, she hoped she would arrive in time. Because, once she got there, things would be easy.

After all, War was her Natural Habitat. 

_Only know you love her when you let her go_

‘Percy, let me go.’

‘No! Never!’

‘Percy, you have to finish the quest –’

‘I don’t care! I won’t let you die!’

‘This is your fatal flaw talking, idiot. Remember what my mom said? To save a friend, you would sacrifice the world?’

‘Shut up, Wise Girl! I won’t leave you alone. I can’t!’

‘Yes you can. I would rather have me dying then the world.’

‘Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut –’

‘Goodbye, Seaweed Brain. I love you.’

‘Annabeth!’

_And you let her go_

Her blood flowed over the stones of Olympus. It looked like poison. Rose-red poison.

He clutched her tightly to his chest. Trying to stand up with her, his eyes searching for ambrosia, nectar, bandages, something.  
The girl tried to push him away. Eventually, it worked and she smacked back on the stones. She smiled weakly. Her lips formed their beloved words for the last time.  
That was when he started sobbing. Silent screams came out of his mound.

Her hand smacked lifelessly to the ground.

_And you let her go_

For what feels like – and probably is – the millionth time, Percy sits there, staring at his own reflection in the fountain of the Poseidon Cabin. He observes his blood sheet eyes, ruffled hair, pale skin color, and skinny structure. In his hand is a razor. Every once in a while, his eyes would flicker towards it, then towards his bleeding wrist, and then back to his reflection.

He wonders.

He thinks.

He weights.

To do or not to do?

That’s the question.

Then, finally, he answers.

_And you let her go ___

His hand smacked to the ground. 

The water turned red. Rose-red. Rose-red poison. 

The razor smeared with the poison, splashes into the pool. 

The gash that provides the poison is deep and straight, right through his veins. 

He knows. 

He smiles that same smile that all dead people smile. 

Now, he knows 

the reason why. 

Letting go is a joy, if you let go of something cruel as life. 

And he breaths. 

out 

_'Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low_

When Nico feels the aura dim, he doesn’t hesitate and shadow-travels to the cabin. 

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

He stands at Styx’s shore. On the other side, he sees her. He smiles. 

_Only know your love her when you let her go_

Thalia was arguing when she sees Nico shadow-traveling next to his cabin. She doesn’t hesitate. 

_Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

But there is something wrong. 

em >Only hate the road when you’re missing home 

Clarisse was arguing with her. She runs after her, and sees him. 

_Only know your love her when you’ve let her go_

Annabeth doesn’t smile. 

_'Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low_

Nico grabs his wrist, the one providing the red, and yells something at Thalia. 

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

No, she has that look in her eyes. The ‘Perseus-Jackson-What-In-Hades-Are-You-Doing-Are-You-Really-That-Dumb’-look. She points behind him, towards the open door. 

_Only know you love her when you let her go_

Thalia stands in the door opening. Frozen. 

_Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

He turns around and sees her. And him. And the other girl. Looks back at the other, across the river. Turns back to them. And towards the other again. 

_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_

Clarisse comes running in, panting, after getting the ambrosia. 

_Only know your love her when you let her go_

He looks at her, and understands. 

She smiles sadly at him. 

He feels like he can almost touch her. 

He reaches for her. Drops his hand. 

Smiles at her. 

_And you let her go_

And walks away. 


End file.
